Mirror, Mirror: Snow White Teaches On Relationship Partners

Snow White can Teach Gay Men about Mirror, Mirror: Snow White Teaches On Relationship PartnersRelationship Partners!

7 Things To Consider About Potential Relationship Partners

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all? “Pick me, pick me pick me!” Don’t all of us wish it could be us?

Mirror Mirror, the new movie starring Julia Roberts as the evil queen step-mother, re-tells the fairy tale story of Snow White. The characters in Snow White, like all fairy tales, represent the internal struggle that we all work with as we mature and try to evolve to higher levels of emotional, psychological and spiritual attainment. Fairy tale characters represent the various energetic or archetypal personalities that each of us embodies in our personal and collective consciousness.

When we are willing to look at and understand how these various archetypal energies affect our decision making about relationships, we can teach ourselves to do a better job of choosing relationship partners and do a lot to improve our existing relationships. For the gay community, this is particularly important since as a group, gay men tend to choose relationship partners based on the belief that “once I find my prince, true love will be mine!” Since most gay men don’t understand how these archetypal energies play out in their personal lives, they find themselves in dysfunctional and failed relationships over and over again.

Julia Roberts—as the wicked step-mother—represents the internalized negative self-image that all of us carry around in our minds. The evil queen asks her magic mirror to assure her that she is the most beautiful woman in the land. How many of us spend much of our day trying to get others to assure us that we are good enough? How many gay men spend hours at the gym sculpting their bodies, make sure their home, their car, their clothes, their hair, etc. are absolutely fabulous so they can get compliments and reassurance from others that they are desirable and lovable?

Snow White, Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood have in common the absence of an effective father figure. Snow White’s father doesn’t protect her from the machinations of the evil step-mother. Little Red Riding Hood’s father is a dolt and Cinderella’s father is dead or completely absent from her life. Human development from childhood to mature adulthood requires role models that exude healthy masculine energy. The gender of this person isn’t important; it’s how they manifest energetically that makes the good role model.

Due to the absence of her father, the heroine can’t make good decisions about other men who come into her life until the Seven Dwarfs enter her life and initially fulfill this function. They provide her with a home, a purpose and instruct her on how to keep herself safe. Yet even with those instructions, she still lets the evil step-mother in disguise enter her safe space and threaten her 3 times…the third with the poison apple.

Gay men: almost all of you grew up with an absent father; a father who could not deal with your sexual orientation and thus emotionally and psychologically abandoned you, just like Snow White’s father. For most of us, our father’s own homophobia and cultural norms regarding masculinity kept them away from us and our mother’s intuitively tried to fill the void. As a result, we have too much feminine energy out front and our masculine energy tends to be stunted. Is it any wonder you can’t find an intimate, healthy and happy relationship with another man? Where are your gay male role models?

It’s our masculine energy that helps us confront the critical voice of the evil queen. It’s the masculinity that can allow for the rage stored up from childhood to be felt, expressed and let go of in appropriate ways. It’s also what can shut down that evil critic that is always trying to convince us that we are not good enough. “If only I had a better body, if only I had liposuction, if only my hair was better, if only I had a better car, if only I made more money, if only my home was akin to the ones in the magazines and movies, then I’d be whole.” It is our masculine energy that can shout this down the evil critical queen and say, “No! I am good just as I am and none of those things will make me a better person then I am right now!”

In Snow White, the Prince eventually comes along and kisses Snow White, waking her from her coma. The Prince represents our evolving consciousness, our awakening to our own true nature and basic goodness, a quality that is unconditional and always available. In other words, it is the evolution to the revelation that “I know I am a good person even without any external validation.” When we awaken to our own true nature, we no longer need to date guys that validate our fragile and artificial sense of who we are. We are free to find a man who meets us in that place of intimacy and meaningful connection.

As the great Sufi mystic and poet Rumi said: “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing
 there is a field. I will meet you there.” This field is the field of meaningful and unconditional love, the field of intimacy and loving connection. It is not based on surface conditions, looks, money, power or fame.

Last but not least, in the Snow White story there are many small animals that try to help Snow White and warn her of danger and guide her through her journey. Their voices are small and they don’t have the power to push her in any particular direction. These quiet voices of the animals represent the voices of our own intuition; the still quiet voice within that comes from that deeper, creative and non-intellectual wisdom that each of us possesses if we are willing to be still and listen. In fact, none of us reaches the mature, truly intimate and vulnerable place that allows for the love relationship that all human beings strive for until we embrace and listen to our own intuitive wisdom.

So what does Snow White teach us about how to do relationships?

1. Do your own inner work. Confront the evil queen step-mother within and don’t let her run your life.

2. You don’t need others to tell you that you’re a good, lovable and desirable person. External validation is fleeting and false. Find it within yourself.

3. Acknowledge that you, like almost all gay men, had a difficult time growing up in a hetero-centric world. Your natural and normal sexual orientation was not accepted as OK and there were no good male role models to learn from. Find peace with your past.

4. Shame is toxic. Growing up gay in a straight world creates shame. For the gay man shame is the root of the evil step-mother. Dig it out and get rid of it.

5. Learn to listen to your intuition…and trust it! Be willing to spend time alone with yourself so you can learn to hear your intuitive voice. Parties and non-stop social life do not foster our inner creativity.

6. Just because a guy is hot, has six pack abs and drives a BMW does not mean he is the guy for you. Get to know him before falling for him. Let your intuition guide you. Can he meet you there in that field of intimate and vulnerable connection?

7. To thine own self be true! Your authentic self is your inner beauty. Let it shine for all the world to see. This sunbeam of your personal inner beauty is what makes you attractive to others.

The journey of self-discovery is the warrior’s journey. You have to be brave, be willing to be vulnerable and willing to ask for help. Take the time to get to know yourself. If you don’t know how to do that then ask for help. Find a coach or therapist who can help you to that fulfilled place within that is not dependent on whatever {fill in the blank} you imagine you lack. Whatever you fill that blank with is fleeting and will not last. The only constant you have to guide you through your life is that inner knowing of your own unconditional beauty that comes from knowing deep down inside that you are lovable and capable of loving in return.

If you and your prince are having problems or you are wondering when your prince will kiss you and wake you up, call me, email me, or simply schedule your own appointment online now. My passion is to help gay men overcome growing up gay in a straight world, to embrace their true nature and to create a loving, successful and wonderful life for themselves and their loved ones, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Change is possible. Transform your life into the life you’ve always dreamed of! Don’t wait another day!

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