Gay Relationship Advice — Emotional Intimacy Is The Key

Is Intimacy in Gay Relationships Possible?

There is a lot of confusion about what intimacy is, especially intimacy in gay relationships.

Gay relationship is a challenge in a heterosexual dominated world. Men in particular tend to confuse sex with intimacy. So, if I’m having sex with you then I’m being intimate with you. However, as almost every gay man knows, you can have sex with perfect strangers and never even know each other’s name!

Gay Relationship Advice -- Emotional Intimacy Is The KeyWhy is intimacy important in gay relationship? After all, many gay men try to live a life of casual sex and freedom from the encumbrance of gay relationships and will strongly defend their lifestyle choices. Yet the capacity for intimacy, which has nothing to do with sex, is the same capacity that allows each of us to love, feel loved and not feel lonely.

Many in the gay community struggle with loneliness and feeling isolated. The emotional and psychological wounding we carry from growing up gay in a heterosexual environment makes the loneliness and isolation even more acute.

If intimacy is not the same as sex then what is intimacy? The best way I know of to define intimacy is this: “the ability for two people to share with each other exactly how they feel in the current moment without fear of rejection or criticism by the other; and without the listening person feeling either that they did something wrong, that they are being asked to change, or that they need to rescue the speaker from their suffering.” This of course needs to be a two-way conversation.

I know that is a mouthful so let me break it into its parts.

  1. How you feel. This is not how you think. A feeling sentence never starts with the word “you” and ideally starts with something like “I feel”. “You made me mad” is not a statement of how you feel. It’s actually fighting words! It’s a great way to start a fight. Instead, say something like “When you said (or did) ________ I noticed myself feeling angry.” That way nobody is blamed and the door is open for an intimate conversation.
  2. In the current moment. This important. Saying “I was mad at you yesterday” is not a statement of how you feel today, it’s a historical statement and not relevant to the hear and now. Intimacy is only possible in the current moment!
  3. As a listener, the statement that starts with “you” probably will make you defensive and you’ll try to prove that you are right and the speaker is wrong. The feeling statement leaves you room to be a good listener and then respond with how you feel.
  4. Listener, this is not about you! Don’t assume you are wrong, bad, that you have to change, or that you have to caretake the speaker. All you have to do is be a good listener and try to understand how the other person feels.
  5. Speaker, it’s your turn to be a good listener and likewise not jump to conclusions. And remember, when your partner is telling you how they feel it is again not about you!

Simple, right? Well not really. For most of us it is a re-learning of everything we learned growing up, in school, and at work. It is an advanced relationship skill and will seem strange at first. But keep trying. It gets easier and starts feeling normal. Soon both of you will wonder how you ever got along before you learned these skills.  Read more about healthy relationships.

If this sounds like you or anybody you know, call me, email me, or simply schedule your own appointment online now. My passion is to help gay men overcome growing up g in a straight world, to embrace their true nature and to create a loving, successful and wonderful life for themselves and their loved ones, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Change is possible. Transform your life into the life you’ve always dreamed of! Don’t wait another day!

 

Comments

  1. hello – i came across this article and found it very interesting. i am a mid 35 gay male in a 5 year relationship. he is the love of my life and we have had quiet the relationship thus far.

    BUT we are at a stopping point. there are things my bf needs to do in his own personal life that he says he will handle but doesnt.

    any advice how to help the bf understand that these things need to be done and is now causing us harm?

    much appreciated,
    ryan

    • Hi,
      It’s hard but all you can do is say what you want in the relationship. It’s up to him to do his part. If he can’t or won’t you’ll have to decide if you stay or go. Wish there was a magic bullet.
      Take care!

  2. Heartbroken says:

    My bf wants to have sec with other men as do I but when it happens he makes me feel like he’s a single guy. We said we would do it together and what he really wants is sex with other men. He also never tells me he loves me. He’s very detached and never touches me in public. He only ever touches me in bed which leads to sex. He’s either damaged or I’m crazy ? What do u do if ur experience of someone once was wonderful and 3 months later it’s hell ?

    • You know more about the real person after 3 months. Who he appeared to be when you first met him was not the real person, but someone under the influence of the falling in love hormones. It’s probably time to cut your losses and move on.

  3. Hi & thank you for the article. My BF and I have just split up after 4 years together. It was my decision and unfortunately he is the one who has to move out now (my employer provides us with accommodation so I can’t move out unfortunately).

    He is heart-broken and I am devastated that I have caused him this sorrow and turned his life upside-down. We are, in my mind, quite different people, I think (although after 4 years together I am not quite sure anymore). I have always struggled fitting in with his circle of friends, although they are all lovely people, primarily because I think I need a lot of space generally. Also, the relationship started only 3 months after splitting up with my ex.

    I seem to be only able to truly relax when I am on my own, and I don’t know if its the relationship or whether I have an issue that could be resolved by seeing someone. Perhaps its the obligation, or the expectations (in my imagination more likely) that causes this stress?

    I do love him very much, however, he was not quite the love of my life (although I did initially have a crash) and so I have had an issue accepting the relationship as such. However, I have grown to love him more as time went by and he certainly does not deserve having his heart broken.

    I feel that I miss myself, however, I am not too sure what that means anymore. I might have to re-discover it to an extent.

    Any comments on the above would be very appreciated.

    Thank you.

    • Hi,
      Thank you for your thoughtful comment. One of the most painful things in life is watching someone we love repeatedly make bad decisions and not be able to do anything about it. It’s unfortunate that your x cannot see how his choices ruined your relationship. You tried to tell him but he couldn’t/wouldn’t/didn’t change so you had to take care of yourself and leave.

      However, if you feel anxious in the relationship and can’t relax then you certainly have something you can work on as well. If you don’t work on your side of things then you are doomed to either repeat this experience or not be in relationship at all.

      I strongly suggest that if you two still would like to see this work you seek out a competent couples therapist. This can make all the difference. And after couples therapy if you still choose to go your separate directions at least then you will have worked through the issues and not be doomed to repeating them in the future.

      I don’t know where you are but if I can be of help going forward, feel free to reach out to me.
      Larry

  4. My partner (34) and I (27) have been in a relationship for 3 years now. He’s my first relationship and also the first (and only) guy I’ve had sex with. We stopped having regular sex after about a year and half in our relationship (we’ve had sex about 4 times in the last year). I want more sex and I’ve been essentially begging for it (I didn’t realize that until he finally broke down and told me that I was begging for it and it was dousing any passion he feels for me–basically I’ve been shooting myself in the foot for a year and half). I’ve stopped begging and I’m hoping that might solve some of this.

    When we do have sex it’s lovely and I enjoy it but I’d like to try new things because I’m rather inexperienced and it’d be nice just to see what I like. He’s at a stage in his life that he knows what he likes sexually so that’s all he’ll do.

    I love him very much and I can picture a life with him (We have a lovely life now). We complement each other so well. He brings me the security and comfort that I always longed for when I was single and in the closet. He’s kind and sweet and supportive. We laugh a lot together and enjoy being with each other.

    The lack of sex is the only issue I have with our relationship. I don’t want to throw away a good relationship because of one issue but I just can’t see myself in a sexless (or near sexless) relationship forever but on the other hand since I’ve got so little sexual experience I’m plagued with doubt that what I might be missing might not be all that great (and certainly not worth giving up a good partnership for and to be honest though I enjoy sex it’s nothing like I imagined it to be–it’s a lot messier and less romantic and soul affirming than I imagined it would be but I’ve always been a very idealistic person so the way I imagined sex to be could never have lived up to the reality).

    An open relationship is off the table (he won’t have it and I’m positive I couldn’t have sex without forming an emotional, or even romantic attachment to the other guy). Is sex really all that important? Or is this possibly just a passing phase I’m going though (I do tend to be OCD so I’ve been quite fixated on this issue for the last couple months)? Is there any way maybe to work around or through this?

    • Hi Lee,
      Thank you for responding. From what you say it doesn’t sound like you are imagining things. A reasonably good sex life is one of the signs of a good relationship. When there is no sex in a relationship and there is no health reason for it, it’s a sign that something needs to be worked on. It’s like a car with a funny noise. If you don’t take it to the mechanic and have it checked out it just gets worse until something breaks. Don’t wait until its so broken it can’t be fixed. If the topic of sex isn’t as easy to talk about with your partner as the weather is, there is something amiss.

      It sounds like the two of you have a wonderful relationship except for the lack of physical passion and that is usually something that can be fixed. Go see the mechanic. In this case the best mechanic for you might be a certified sex therapist. These are licensed counselors with extra training in working with human sexuality. I wouldn’t be surprised if a few sessions with a certified sex therapist would take care of the entire problem.

      I don’t know where you are located but if there but feel free to contact me if I can be helpful. I wish you both much love and happiness together.
      Larry

      • Thanks, Larry. It’s nice to have confirmation that this is a fixable problem. I do sometimes think there may be a medical reason for it as my partner occasionally shows signs of mild depression which I’ve read can affect sexual libido and desire. If we lived in Denver I’d definitely contact you. We currently live in Beijing.

  5. Hello!

    so… I’ve been “seeing” or “hanging out” with a guy for 4-5 months, we normally would meet after work and have dinner, talk and sometimes go for a swim and a walk in the park. He is 30 and really career driven, I am 23 and at the start of whatever my career is.

    Anyway, neither of us said that we were looking for a relationship. We met up through a hook up app. I initially wasn’t sure I’d like him after a few times of sex. I mean let’s face it, people get bored easily…but we kept on meeting time after time, and sometimes the sex didn’t happen. So after all the great things have happened… I’ve found myself developing feelings for him… seeing as we try to see each other at least once a week and sometimes 2 -3 times. We laugh a lot and enjoy talking. So one night I told him “Ps: i like you” and we got into this awkward conversation of him not looking for a relationship and that he should’ve been more clear… and that he wants friendship with benefits, and he’d like it to remain as such.

    it took a few weeks until I had to raise this up again… but I did manage to get this answer out of him “someone who wants regular sex and doesnt demand much else from him.” And I asked him if he likes me he said he normally doesnt develop strong feelings for people but he liked me right away and that im a nice guy.

    To be honest, when i say i like him i dont mean i want eternity with him… yet just that i really enjoy what we are now. so i told him that. then we’d meet up and after a great night, i asked him if he was still up for something exclusive ( as he had suggested that 2 months into hanging out) I mean he implied that every top wants an exclusive bottom and that he thought that this was already a regular thing.

    He said that he has not been “exclusive” and that he hopes it doesnt offend me and that we can agree into a regular thing and be in our “respective comfort zones with self-defined boundaries”… his being a bit “broader.”

    • more, so right now im very lost and confused as to what to do with this… i want him to have more feelings for me… i mean i honestly dont mind the broader definition seeing as he is not promiscuous at all as his career is very demanding. I feel that we have something special… we’d hang out for hours on end and he’d walk me to send me off, pay for dinner and whatnot.

      I’m very desperate…. so if you got any good input to help me out, would be GREAT! Thank you!

      • Hi KB,
        The funny thing about relationship is that we have to let the other person be who they are and either accept that and be with them; or, for our own well-being decide to move on. You can’t make him have feelings for you. There may be something in his history that prevents him from deeply committing to one person. You can’t fix that for him and if he doesn’t want to look into it for himself then this is where you are. You need to take good care of yourself in this situation. if you are OK to be his bottom when he wants you and to enjoy your time together without asking for anything more then go for it. If you want more in a relationship you’ll need to leave him and find someone who is more emotionally available and wants the same kind of deeper connection that you want. I wish you the best.
        Larry

  6. Dear Larry,
    I found reading these previous posts and your answers very interesting.
    I’m going to try and relay my problem to you as breifly as possible but with all the relevant details.
    Here goes – sorry if it’s loooooong!

    My bf Tom (28) and I (32) have been together for 1.5yrs now and we have been living together for 6months.

    We became friends when I was going through an awful time with my ex who was lying to me and cheating on me.
    When I eventually broke up with my ex it wasn’t long before Tom and I got together.

    Although at first I was adamant that wouldn’t happen because my head was telling me I needed space and needed time to “find myself” again.

    I was worried at the time that it was I rebound situation and didn’t want to go down that road. Tom is a great guy and didn’t deserve that.
    I did resist for a while but he was so caring and sweet and I felt safe and loved and I fell for it and him.
    We initially had passion and great sex and it was fun and amazing. Although there were a couple of random moments where I would feel depressed and a bit damaged from my ex’s antics (these became less frequent).
    I wasn’t sure where our relationship was heading and in retrospect there were moments of doubt that this was/he was ‘the one’.

    Then came the discussion about moving in together because I had to move out of my current place – and “do we get somewhere together or not?”
    Initially I said no… because I wasn’t 100% about our future. He was upset about this. So I thought and seeked friends advice and was asked what i was afraid off. “If you loved him – you should embrace it…” I was told.
    So i thought – okay – I do love him. LETS DO IT!

    …and so followed the stress of moving in – buying furniture and TV’s and bedding and EVERYTHING brand new!

    It had actually started before me moved in – we stopped having as much sex… but after moving in I noticed my desire to have it decreased even more. I was happy to cuddle and watch movies and spend time together.
    We didn’t fight or argue. We were happy and content. We get along so well but because I didn’t feel like sex anymore (and tom was kind and didn’t push too hard for it) I started to question if we should really be together at all?? and as a result stopped I think I stopped being affectionate and tactile altogether.

    I love him – I’ve grown very fond of him… but I’m not sure if he’s the one or if I’m “in Love’ with him like I should be!!!
    but then i think maybe what i’m thinking of is Movie Love and life isn’t really like that…?
    Should I be happy and settle because we get on great and it’s security …etc… but then I think – wait – I’m not a 50’s house wife!

    He deserves someone that is going to give him all the love and affection he needs.

    In terms or an honest, caring, loyal, loving boyfriend I know he’s perfect but something is making me feel like there’s something missing.
    Some fire, some butterfiles or excitment. Some different conversation, ambitions, or my ideal view of my future life…. I don’t know.

    We have spoke about it… and we’re spending some time apart for work reasons and I’m supposed to be deciding what I want.
    Even now he’s being so amazing about the whole thing!!
    It will be so hrad to break up… but I’ve got to decided if it’s what I want without letting emotions get in the way again right?

    Reasons to stay together shouldn’t be – because I don’t want to break his heart or because I don’t want to be lonely should they…?
    I’m scared to make a mistake… i’m scared I don’t know how I really feel – or maybe I’m scared that I DO know how I feel… and it’s not the easy option!!!

    What to do? Any thoughts, ideas or suggestoins are more then welcome.

    Thank You 🙂
    Sam x

    • Hi Sam,
      Thanks for reaching out. It’s actually fairly common for some people to have difficulty having sex with the person you love the most. So don’t feel bad about it. For gay men, when we look at our first sexual experiences we can see that in many cases the sex wasn’t about love. Frequently it was anonymous sex, or sex for exploration with the only other person we know who won’t condemn us for being gay. So our initial love map is often sex without love.

      Even without this type of initial sexual experience we often struggle to “objectify” the person we love enough to have sex with him. You see sex requires an “other” to have sex with. If we are too close too our partner we can struggle. This is the essence of the “lesbian bed death” syndrome that is frequently talked about in lesbian circles.

      I’d like to suggest you both read Mating in Captivity by Ester Perel. If you’d like to work on it with me we can possibly schedule an online session with the two of you depending on where you are in the world. Please let me know how I can be helpful.
      Larry

  7. Dear Larry and other commentators,

    Thanks for the post. I’m sick of reading about straight couples and their problems and wanted to find other gays with whom to relate. I have been with my Partner for 19 years. The sex was never great, though there were a few times, but by year 8 he was losing interest. I did everything I could to keep him interested, I was like Kathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes, sans the plastic wrap. By year 13 he was suggesting an open relationship, saying he didn’t have much interest in sex and that sex was sex. I said no. In my single days I had plenty of one night stands, but within a couple of years (I’m a slow learner) I realized I didn’t find them fulfilling at all. I had grown to really love my Partner and he was the most attractive person I knew. I really just wanted to be with him. I felt very rejected. But otherwise we had a great relationship, we get along very well, have fun together, laugh, he’s smart, though lacks any emotional connection to himself. By year 15, I said yes to the open relationship, I couldn’t take it anymore. Since then I had a few encounters, all okay, nothing great or satisfying. Until recently, I met someone and the sparks flew. Only once before did I have that chemical induced rush of excitement and that guy was a douche. The guy I met now, knew of my relationship and was interested in seeing me causally. This was very different for me. We met for dinner and then “causal” sex, but it opened up all these emotions. The sex was good the first time, but great the second, but it was less about that and more about laying in bed and talking. I realized I needed that emotional intimacy that comes with sex. Forget about the other guy I need to deal with where I am and my own first. My Partner and I are like best friends and roommates, but not lovers. He loves the safety and security I bring him, but in reality I don’t think he loves me like a lover, ever loved me that way or really understands this. I look back over the last few years and realize that I have detached myself from him as a lover, I no longer long for his touch or the feel of his body. He’s not bad looking, but there are plenty of men I’d rather have next to me in bed. No one is at fault and we are both at fault, we just didn’t handle things correctly. I told him where I was in terms of I needed a relationship with physical intimacy and was not interested in an open relationship. We will go to couples counseling and see if we can work on this. For us and for me, it may be too late, I don’t know. He doesn’t fully know my thoughts because I want someone there to act as a guide and since he never deals with his emotions, I want him to have a safety net to work through this. I love him very much and my heart aches for him. For me, I think when I agreed to be open it was the first step to leaving.

    Please if you love your mate, go get help sooner. Looking at things now, I wished I had said in year 10, we’re going to couples counseling. But hey, as my Mom always says, a life without regrets means we haven’t grown as people. I’m okay. I’m turning 47 and working to reconnect with my own emotions. I realize that I had fallen into a mild depression, as I was in high school before I came out. I would be fine for a couple of months, driven by school or now work and then one day for a few hours I would just cry for no reason. Once I came out, that all went away, but now it’s back. I will be happy no matter what. I told my Partner I’m looking forward to the therapy, I can tell you, he isn’t. He likes his life just as it is. We’ll see what happens. I write this more to let others know, speak up for yourself. I told my Partner I was unsatisfied, he just would say that’s how he is. In hindsight I should have been more aggressive about me. Relationships are work and compromise, but they can also be great and fulfilling, but make sure you know what you need.

    • Mark,
      Thank you for that thoughtful and honest post. You make an important point. In a relationship if one of you is not able to deal with his emotions its pretty hard to have emotional and psychological intimacy with that person. Without ongoing emotional intimacy work between two people you are in danger of drifting apart.

      Mark, I wish you the best in couples counseling. You are doing the right thing. Your partner may come to realize it too once he’s gotten the hang of it. You may also find that reading Mating In Captivity by Ester Perel to be revealing and informative to you.
      Larry

  8. ThePinkMonster says:

    Hi, I’ve been in a relationship, extremely loving, and we don’t do anal and oral sex, we cuddle a lot,touch,hug and kiss each other or relax with each other at free times.we solve our problems with each other as well. He is extremely intelligent in mathematics, me too, but as I’ve had problems with homosexuality at middle school(has sex with 10 diff people!!!)it destroyed my mind and made me significantly weaker, so in my lessons, I’m a bit before him.its kinda a year know, we have experienced some problems, since I lose my temper so easily and made him scared a few times and once, hurt him badly with texting.I was angry about my scores, and having problems with studying, mood shiftings, extreme need to be loved as I grow older, and as My partner’s school work became harder, so his mood was worsened and couldn’t give me that much of love and pleasure he always gave me, but he gave me of course…so I began to get mad at my scores and him as well, I thought he is angry at my scores and not loving me anymore, so I screwed, got mad, hurt him in some ways, and reached to a bad level which we resented each other, but no more, it’s over and we’re back loving each other, but his mood is not very good, he still doesn’t give me much as I need, and I sometimes think he doesn’t love me(but I feel love in heart), which is wrong, so I decided to talk with him more, and solved a lot of problems, right by a love+sex small talk.but I see his mood really worsening, because he had bad exams which he could get good scores, and he says not in the mood, I’m just asking, I want to go over him, without irritating, with your intimacy trick it works but as we solve most of each other problems, I want him to agree with me to begin solving this with each other, since we did this until I got mad, then he went scared and I just wan’t to make him feel as I loved him in the past to trust me, and I know I MUST trust him as well to know I believe the love in our relationship.

    Just asking for tips for me not to mistrust in him, I know I had a lot of bad sex years ago, and this is where my mistrust comes, but I need to overcome it, because this divine relationship god gave me can’t be replaced, and being friends as early as 15 years old,mans hearts merged with each other.also, how can I increase our love, more and more?

    btw he is very clean, and is not a person to be mistrusted, in any of the partners I could have, there is no one more trusting as my current lovely friend.

    • Hello,
      Thank you for writing. It sound like there has been some difficult times in your relationship recently and you may need some professional help to get things back on track. Once one of you has stopped feeling safe and stopped trusting the other it can be difficult to get that safe trusting feeling back. I’d suggest some couples counseling with someone who is comfortable with working with same-sex couples. Many counselors and therapists qualify and are happy to see couples such as you two. I wish I had some instant solutions for your relationship conflict but relationships require dedication and hard work. I wish you the best and if I can be helpful in the future, please contact me.
      Thanks,
      Larry

  9. hey there,
    I’m glad I found your website. My boyfriend can’t have sex with me and says he’s never horny. He says he loves me, is sweet and affectionate and makes plans with me to travel and wants to always spend time with me and invites me to spend time with his friends and to be around his family but is disinterested in sex. It’s been 6 months and I’ve caught him in the bathroom 3 separate times on Grindr and pleasuring himself. I feel like a door mat and that I should move on. Is he fix-able or should I just walk away.

    • Some people find it easier to masturbate then to have sex with another person. Having another person involved can bring up feelings of insecurity, lack or remind the person of past sexual trauma. Of course your boyfriend is “fixable” but only if he wants to work on it himself. You can’t do it for him nor can you make him do it. It’s up to him. I want to encourage you to talk to him about it without blaming, accusing or feeling neglected (ie. doormat.) This isn’t about you. It’s bout him. It wouldn’t matter who his partner is, he’d still have this problem. Be kind and discuss it and see if he does want to work on it.

      • Hi Larry, you make some valid points. All of which a reasonable person would agree with, and I do. Whether or not I have the capacity to stay with him even if he does decide he wants to help himself is another issue as I have no idea how long it’ll take or what the outcome will be, plus it’s really messing with my ego and so it’s hard to not think it’s about me sometimes. I am very concerned for him but hope he’ll resolve these issues whether it’s for me or someone else so that he can have a successful relationship one day because he definitely deserves it.

        • Your boyfriend would need to take visible action by doing something like finding a sex therapist or counselor and committing to that work. If you saw that you’d be less discouraged. The opportunity you have is to work on your ego and the fact that you don’t feel fully loved unless your partner is paying attention to you especially sexually. Here’s a little known secret: your value and worth as a human being is 100% independent from whether or not another person demonstrates love towards you. The only reason they seem connected to you is because you’ve connected them based on how you were raised and what you believe. The artificial connection you’ve created is what causes your suffering. Of course you also have a biological sex drive that he isn’t helping you relieve. That’s often really hard to deal with, especially when you are younger.

  10. Hi, I am 39 years old and I met my now 55 year old boyfriend 3.5 years ago. We are an interracial couple me mixed black very attractive and he is white and somewhat of an average Joe (My type).

    I was in the Real Estate business for 12 years and come from a professional background. He, was a Taxi Cab driver for 12 years before I met him. Due life changes we met in a Homeless shelter after 3 months got on our feet moved into out own place and have been together for 3.5 years. My situations were economy related and lack of work his reasons were drug abuse.

    Anyways, I got him back on track and back to driving. My issue is he does not have sex with me we’ve had sex about 4 times in 3.5 years. He will let me have sex with him whenever I want. He does not want an open relationship nor does he want to have a 3 some for the fact he does not want me to be with anyone else.

    He’s very Jealous and Intimidated by me, and every conversation turns into an argument. He is very passive and runs away from all life situations that may need his attention including relationship situations. When I ask him about sex or any other issue he makes an excuse for it and says he will try to do better and asks me why are we together then.

    I am very Loyal to those I choose to befriend and love and I don’t think he comprehends. Am I crazy? Should I go out and Cheat? Should I gently and respectfully bring a third party in anyways? Should i just walk away from it all and let him make someone else unhappy? Overall he is a good guy and loves me but it’s becoming a struggle trying to make it work.

    • Thanks for writing. Human sexuality is mysterious and infinitely variable. It’s not possible to guess why he prefers things this way. I am reading between the lines but I’m guessing the two of you are not able to talk about the reasons for him not wanting to have sex with you. I’m pretty sure if the two of you could have an honest and deep conversation about it where nobody gets defensive, it would start making sense. Do you think the two of you would be willing to talk to a couples counselor or a registered sex therapist together? I’m confident there is a way to solve your problem. Good relationships are hard to come by and its tragic not to see if it can be repaired. If I can be helpful, please ask. I don’t know where you are located but online appointments are possible.

  11. Hello
    I need help. For last a few months I have been having cyber sex with random guys without telling my bf. He found out more less 8 weeks ago. We spoke about it. He is deeply hurt but says he loves me and wants to stay with me. I love him and want to be with him. I do not want to continue cyber sex and feel extremely ashamed by my actions. We are intimate with each other , keep having sex but I cannot get over my guilt feeling. What to do?

    • Get some professional help! A good couples counselor who also knows something about sexually compulsive behavior and how to resolve it can fix things for both of you. Doing nothing is probably the worst thing you can do. Feel free to contact me through my contact Larry page if you would like to learn more.

  12. Gerrimiah says:

    Hi. Ive noticed that you answer them quite frankly yet good and interesting. I would like to share my problem and hope to get a good input about it. So ive been with my boyfriend for seven months now. I notice something different as days go by like after our first and second month, he went from a very sweet guy to just this normal guy who i personally think would perfectly fit as a friend and not as a boyfriend because he basically not asking me on a date anymore, or making surprises, or not feeling so interested (sexually, emotionally, physically). I feel like im the only one who’s fighting for this relationship to work. Hes acting really strange. We are living together now. I dont know what is happening and i swear im really done now, but if theres anything you can do to help me think it over, please do. I have always been so sweet, giving him random kisses and hugs him from time to time, making lots of surprises. I dont know if im the problem of this or he is. Please help. Thank you

    • All relationships have three phases. The first one is all about getting to know the other, being excited about being with each other, lots of sex and enjoying all the ways you get along with each other. This phase lasts roughly 6 to 12 months. Phase two starts and that is when it gets challenging. You start noticing each others differences and need to start having deep intimate conversations about hopes, fears and dreams. This is where new relationships often detail because it requires intimacy and healthy emotional responses. It sounds like you two got hung up on this phase of relationship. It takes intentional effort from both people to get through this and onto phase three of relationship which is having a longterm friend who you enjoy coming home to and spending time with.

  13. Hi, I realize this topic is dead, but it very much applies to me and hope you can help me..
    3 months ago, I met a guy the same age as me (26) who I thought only wanted friendship, until several weeks and dates later we had sex he initiated. Things were going well and we had sex pretty regularly, we went on vacation together and had lots of fun. He awkwardly asked me what I thought of him one time and since it was so early into it, I told him he was fun, nice, and that I liked him (more of a friendly tone than romantic) because I didn’t want things to move too fast and scare him off. Fast forward a bit and then abruptly, he claims he no longer has a sex drive possibly because of the stress final exams, having to move out right after. Finals have come and gone (which I helped with), he is in the midst of moving (which I’m also helping with), and still claims he has zero sex drive, does not masturbate, can’t even get hard. The kicker is, I have seen him very active on hook up apps such as Grindr the ENTIRE TIME he claimed he didn’t want any sex. after a month or so I decided to catfish him right after a lengthy conversation of how he hasn’t been in the mood to be intimate, and he took the bait immediately, unloading all his nude pictures, saying that he wanted to meet but was busy that night (he stayed in playing video games). Do you have an explanation or am I just being blind to how bad he is for me?

    • I later called him out on his bullshit about not being horny and telling him I saw him online multiple times, he said he just logs on for whatever and doesn’t even talk to anyone, again trying to play it off and keep me at arm’s length

    • I think the reply to the comment above this also applies to your situation. Find a good therapist and work through your issues. You will be glad you did. If you don’t work through your side of this you will repeat it in the next relationship.

  14. I am in a 6 month old relationship with the best guy ever so nice and seems to love to kiss me all the time, cuddle and seem to want to be around me all the time as I do him. The only issue is he will not communicate unless forced to and sometimes denies not being sexual. He won’t initiate sex at all, he don’t seem to want to but will go long with it most of the time and seems to get huffy when I try to get him to want me sexually. I know that he has flirted sexually in the past but don’t seem to want it. I have tried to find a solution. I have tried to talk to him many times and expressed my feelings on the issue and he seems to agree most of the time. I don’t know what to do. I do love him and shows he loves me all but making me feel wanted sexually. What should I do and any advice is wanted please.

  15. My husband and I are in a monogamous relationship and he is a Medical Aesthetics physician, he still sees some of his ex-boyfriends for aesthetics, which I’m okay with for the most part, but one in particular has erectile dysfunction, and well, the procedure requires to drop his pants in the office and examine the penis, I just feel very uncomfortable about that and also the fact that he didn’t tell me about it and Hurriedly rushed him out the door after the procedure without even an introduction, seemed a little fishy to me so I asked him what that what all about and who was that? And he tells me that he didn’t want me to know because he knows how I am, so what does that mean? How I am? Am I wrong to believe that he should not be treating this person or is it just a case of “I know how you are”?

    • It sounds like the two of you are having trouble talking through this and coming to an agreement about how both of you will act when you are not together. It’s important for a couple to decide what is acceptable behavior for them. This is not based on what other people do but about what works for the two of you. I’d suggest finding a couples counselor who is comfortable with same sex relationships and does not have an agenda to push their value system onto the two of you. They can help you work this out and find an agreement you both can be comfortable with.

  16. Hi, I’ve read through most of the comments and finally have mustered up the strength to share my story. As I sit in my living room in the dark at 12:30am on a sad Saturday morning. My partner is in the other room pretending not to care. We’ve been together for two years now (I’m an Aries he’s a cancer I believe in zodiac chemistry to an extent). In the beginning of our relationship I made it clear to him that I had a high sex drive that required attention. I express my level of sexuality and how I also am a top. He always hesitated when it came to sex most of the time appearing to do it only when severely pressured by me. For a while I pretended that it didn’t matter and that I was okay with having sex once a week if that or not at all. He would then discover that I channeled much energy into masturbating and went on to use that as another excuse as to why he doesn’t give me sex. I became even more frustrated as the time grew because he then started pressuring me to bottom for him. While still not giving me regular sex oral and all on a consistent basis. I approached him many times to try and talk about how it makes me feel and my leve of commitment to him and how I do not want to cheat but my sexual desires are seriously bothering me and he tells me he’s not that sexual and he’s doing the best he can in a very surly manner. He rejects me constantly no matter how hard I try and it’s causing me to think that we may not make it. I don’t want to undermine all the things I love about him but it hurts that he doesn’t take my issues or concerns seriously.

    • I want to encourage you to get some professional help. I don’t know where you are located but some couples counseling from someone who is not homophobic can often resolve these problems. Life is too short to live in an unhappy relationship! It is possible that this can be fixed. Do something but don’t do nothing! If you can’t find someone locally I may be able to provide online couples coaching. Please reach out.

  17. When my bf and i started we would have sex everyday, after a year this changed. We now have sex maybe once a month. He says that he feels bad after sex, that it makes him feel wrong. He also says that he doesn’t have the desire to have sex. And when hes in the mood now, all he wants to do is jack off. He doesn’t want to do anything with me when were intimate. He lays there and makes me do all the work. I catch him watching tv during, or i can see on his face that he just wants it to be over. He says that he still find me attractive, just that he doesn’t need get off. I do the laundry and he wears black underwear and i can see the cum stains from him masturbating. I know he loves me and I don’t think he would cheat on me. However it makes my self esteem go way down. Any advice about how to get him interested?

    • Your partner will need to want to change in order for this situation to change. You can’t make him do it.You two need to find a couples counselor who can help you talk through this and figure out what is going on.

  18. Hi,

    I am from the Philippines. I am having doubts in my mind about my relationship right now. We are not on the same phase of life. I am 6 years older than him. He is just about to start exploring his life as a working man and I have been in a stage where thing are quite settled or going to a more settled stage. He is having work problems and other family issues. Though I’ve been trying to help, guide, advice and make him feel better everytime, I feel like he is still not sure about me. I feel like he is still not sure if I am the one that he wants to have for a lifetime (sorry but I don’t believe in Forever).

    I am afraid to be neglected after all I’ve done and shown to him. I am afraid because I am having this feeling that I am just becoming an option. That he will not prioritize seeing me, being with me, or making love with me. I know 8 months is just short, but on my part I want us to last a lifetime. He is my 5th partner.

    Am I just feeling paranoid about everything? About us? About the change in our time together if he will work on other place and other shift? Am I just being too attached? Too giving? Or Am I wrong for expecting the efforts and love that I’ve given to received in return?

    Please talk to me. Please help me on these matter.

    • The only way you will know if your fears are warranted or not is to talk to him about it. If you want fulfilling relationship you will both need to be willing to be vulnerable enough with each other to develop that intimacy and have these conversations.

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  1. about, what I saw as core issues, is the struggle for gay men to be single and be happy. There is so much value placed on being in relationship in this society, that we often, as gay men, think the…with us if we aren’t in a relationship. That is one of the core

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