We all long for intimate relationship with another. Gay Relationships are extra challenging.
Even if we don’t quite know what we’re longing for we know something’s missing you we don’t have it. Healthy intimacy is hard for everybody and gay relationship is even more challenging. For gay men to attain this intimate emotional connection with another gay man is a special experience.
Here’s the link to the other article: Gay Relationship Advice — Emotional Intimacy is the Key
And the transcript of this video Gay Relationships, How to Get the Love You Want
Hi, I’m Larry Cappel. We all long for intimate relationships with another even if we don’t quite know what we’re longing for we know something’s missing you we don’t have it.
Healthy intimacy is hard for everybody and its even more challenging for gay men and to attain this intimate emotional connection with another gay man.
There’s just so much in our society and culture that has conditioned us to sort of not let our guard down to be intimate. I wrote an article in early 2013. I titled “Gay Relationship Advice Emotional intimacy is the key.” It’s become the most popular article that I have written for the internet so far and in some detail talks a lot about what it means to be truly emotionally intimate with another man. I’ve left a link to the article below. Feel free to take a look at it and read it if you’d like. I’d appreciate any comments that you have.
We know ourselves gay men if we’ve come out of the closet and we’re at peace with being gay. That comes with the certain set of cultural expectations depending on where you live and where you grew up what it means to be gay man and comes with some ideas… In cities it’s typically having a nice place to live, involved in theater in the arts you and things like that. That’s not universal. That doesn’t define being gay. That’s a cultural norm.
On top of a gay cultural norm that we’re all working with, we also have that just the general male cultural norm of culture we grew up in. As a rule men are not raised to be emotionally intimate with one another and that’s a big part of what gets in the way for gay men. Men are raised to play sports to fight to argue to work together and sort of woven in there is a subtle message that “big boys don’t cry.” If you dare be vulnerable around other males you end up getting teased ridiculed hurt or something. By and large we’ve learned to keep our vulnerability hidden.
As a gay man early on we had to hide our vulnerability but also who we truly were. We did that to defend against homophobic attack. You know pretending to be something we’re not taught us to hide our emotions guarding against getting hurt and to not be vulnerable.
Emotional intimacy and vulnerability require each other. You can’t have one without the other. We’ve learned yet here we are we have all these ways that we learn not to be vulnerable. You know all those cultural cultural conditioning is what stops us from really having the kind intimate relationship with our partners that we long for. I heard some gay men say that this is not possible for two men to be truly emotionally intimate. I don’t believe it. I think it is possible and I think has society were slowly learning and we’re getting better but we do have a ways to go.
Intimacy between men is truly the new frontier. My definition of intimacy which I go into in some detail in the other article referenced below is: “the ability for two people to share with each other exactly how they feel in the current moment without fear, rejection or criticism by the other, and without the listening person feeling either that they did something wrong or that they’re being asked to change or that they have to rescue the one who speaking from their suffering.”
Of course needs to be a two-way conversation. Both you need be able to do that; to listen to the other without judgment without criticism without feeling like you’re being blamed or attacked. If that goes both ways there’s a whole lot of emotional intimacy in that conversation.
For us gay men trying to be intimate with other gay men we’re gonna have to drop some cultural belief systems that we learned growing up that we may not even know we have going on in our minds. The number 1 thing we’ve got to change is: being vulnerable means I’m weak. It’s just not true and the ability be vulnerable with another person is actually a sign of strength.
To be strong requires that you are flexible, adaptable, and bendable and that you have the ability to spring back into shape once you had to deal with some kind of situation. When you don’t have to hide from your emotions or hide them from others then that’s when you are truly a strong human being and it’s also what makes you attractive to others.
True intimacy is something all of us long for. We first experience with our parents if all things go well. If you’re been around young babies you know how easy it is to be open hearted with them. They’re just balls up loving you smile and you just enjoy their company. It’s very unconditional. That’s the experience we want to have in those intimate moments with our partners.
So give love a chance. Let down your guard with your partner and ask your partner let down his guard with you. Take a chance, be risky, expose your vulnerability and your intimate side and ask your partner to do the same.